Missing the Spark
It was around the 8 year mark when I started to feel something was seriously missing. Fernando and I had typical low-level conflict you would expect in a couple with a busy life… 3 (soon to be 4) children, 4 homes across 3 continents, crazy travel schedules and multiple projects occupying both of our professional lives. Nothing was wrong enough to take action about anything, and if you asked either one of us, we would both report being ‘fine’. Sex was always great, we were grateful our beautiful, happy and healthy children, we both had pretty much everything either of us had wanted on paper, and ultimately, we felt lucky for all of the comforts we had been fortunate to accumulate. I put my head down and let myself get lost in the life we had created. There was so much to focus on, so much to keep busy and ultimately to stay distracted from the emotional connection that somewhere along the line got lost.
It was undeniable that the spark that had initially brought us together was being drowned out by all of the things that kept us busy as we tried to negotiate the ins and outs of having our complicated shared life. Family life was proving hard to balance and it became clear that one of us would have to make career sacrifices to hold things all together and pick up the pieces for the other. Fun, spontaneity and goodwill was being replaced by a power struggle, frustration, and resentment. We drifted further apart and our relationship was simply not living up to the high hopes we had when we decided to get married.
Fast forward several years, and a lot happening in between. A touch of infidelity, a drop of forgiveness (we’ll discuss that another day, I promise!) , living in different countries, living in the same country separately, more burying our heads in the daily grind without fully addressing the issues at hand. Going through the motions mechanically, both of us trying best to accept each others shortcomings for the greater good of our children and family and trying our best not to let it get the best of us. A willingness to explore non-traditional setups to try to see what could work. Fernando was very happy sticking with the status-quo, explaining away the things I was experiencing as a ‘phase’, unwilling to let me go, happy to make whatever compromises I needed to keep me from walking away. Certain we’d get through this. The issues were admittedly harder for me to swallow, and although I managed to walk myself off the ledge of divorce, a more existential question loomed ominously in my head; was the state of being just ‘fine’ enough to keep us together for the rest of our lives? Was this as good as it was ever going to get? Even with forgiveness and digging deep for more good will, could I settle in the situation I had found myself in?
By all accounts, my husband is a ‘catch’. There were a ton of things that drew me to him in the first place. He’s handsome, smart, well educated, intellectual challenging, funny, sexy, ambitious, strong. At the risk of sounding arrogant, it’s fair to say most people would describe me similarly. Neither of us exceeds the other in any meaningful way–we are relatively well matched on most metrics.
So if we are both ‘catches’, why couldn’t either of us fully appreciate and enjoy what was staring at us in the face? Although we don’t always want the same thing, we both definitely want to be happy. What was holding us back? How could we get back to the place where we started so that we could have a more fulfilling and love-filled relationship? How could we enjoy each other more? How could we see in each other what everyone else could see in each of us individually?
A Taste of What is Possible
Then, one afternoon I got a split second glimpse of the man I fell in love with. I was reeling from something that was happening in my personal life, unrelated to my relationship with him. He knew I was upset but he didn’t know why, and I couldn’t tell him. Our situation had become complicated and things were no longer black and white between us, so I was suffering alone. In that moment, he rose up. He showed me that nothing that had passed between us mattered. He was there for me, no matter what, in a moment I needed him most. He loved me hard, and he loved me unconditionally, even though not everything was perfect. He was the same person who was there all along, but I hadn’t seen him that way in a while. Before I knew it, we were laughing, enjoying each other’s company, and my heart felt full of affection. Something clicked and it felt easier to forgive, accept, and go back to giving him the benefit of the doubt. In that moment I realized our feelings for each other were alive somewhere deep down inside of us, it was just a matter of digging them out.
That left me with a slew of new relationship questions. What could I do to keep that feeling of marital satisfaction? How could I experience it more often? How could I let go of the stuff that was weighing us down and learn to just enjoy him as he was? What practical things could we do to take us where we wanted to go? How could I get my boyfriend back? How could he get his girlfriend back too?
Our Options
We had never been to marriage counselling and weren’t thrilled at the prospect of such a time intensive approach. The idea of finding a therapist in itself seemed like a tremendous feat. There were so many therapists to choose from, using so many different modalities that all claimed to be the ‘right’ way. It made my head spin. I bought books, but they were always collecting dust on the bookshelf when I found that none were comprehensive enough to address the reality of a live, dynamic relationship. The idea of a couple’s retreat seemed impossible with busy lives and four kids in tow. We needed a solution that was accessible, comprehensive, and easy to use. Throw in a little fun my husband was on board too. That is why I created Two2Tango.
A Better, Practical Solution
Here at a Two2Tango, we’re on a journey to rediscover each other and get back to the things we fell in love with in the first place. We’re working on our problems, negotiating our differences, and doing our best to live up the dreams we have for our lives every day. Although our relationship isn’t perfect, we’ve made a lot of progress and we’re actively working to discover more joy. We’re doing this for ourselves, for each other, and for our family.
We feel incredibly lucky to have a tool like Two2Tango to help us achieve more from our relationship, and we’re excited to share it with you too. We’ve designed the Two2Tango to break negative cycles, start positive cycles, and help people get what they need from their partners in an easy to use and 100% fun. By using the app, you will rediscover the person you fell in love with, deepen your connection and join our club of happy couples who are already experiencing Two2Tango’s benefits. We’ll also help answer your relationship questions as best as we can.
What to Expect from this Blog
We’ll be using this blog to document our journey, answer relationship questions and share what we’ve learned along the way. We hope this is helpful to you in discovering your own relationship joy. You’re in the right place If want more from your relationship, can keep an open mind, and are willing to make an investment in your future. So fasten your seatbelts, and get ready for the most transformational experience you have had as a couple. Check back soon for recommendations, tips, blogging a sex bucket list, latest relationship research, news, and more!
I’ll leave you with a photo from our wedding, which we celebrated almost 13 years ago. When I see this photo I remember the wonder, excitement, and intense commitment we felt when we decided to start our lives together. Two2Tango has helped me rediscover these feelings, and given me a better understanding of my husband. I have more insight into what we both need and how our relationship thrives. I invite you join us on our journey.
